Sunday, June 1, 2014

Crawl back under the rock from which you came...and other such non-love stories

Rejection Now that is a word I don't think about very often. Let alone talk about! But there has definitely been plenty of it in my life.

Should I talk about how my middle school crush crushed my dreams (and heart) by telling me I was cute but my "butt was kinda big" in 6th grade?

Ok... that just might be TOO painful! Although, I did get him back in college when I ran into him in a bar and he spent the whole night hitting on me, then went home A-LONE. 

Paybacks a (bleep) boys! 

But why put myself through that kind of trauma when I can flip the script and talk about some of my biggest rejectees?! 

And believe me, there have been PLENTY over the years!

Here are a few of my faves:

Metal Mouth 

First, I need to tell you that I was a little late on getting the braces. I got them when I finished high school and had them until I was 21. (My teeth were pretty jacked up!) I also need to tell you that I was one H-O-T momma back when I was 21. And I (kinda) had an ego to go along with it. 

So I was at the bar with my best friend/cousin and a guy approaches me and says, "Haaaay guuurl! I see you have braces...I bet you be LOVIN' this guuuuurl *cue cheesy blinged-out grin* I gots a grill too! We be a match made in HEAVEN guuuuurl!"

Oh HELL no! There "be" no match makin' today! I gotta pass on that grill. And offer. This girl loves a good diamond, but NOT in your gold teeth man!

 Welfare Steve

Then there was Steve. Now Steve had SEVERAL things going for him. He was probably in his mid, 40s, lived at home with his momma, he had a bus pass (for those romantic date nights!), and he had a really great plan to find his next wife at the Welfare office.

I was walking to my car in a parking lot shared with the local welfare office when I hear, "Hey! Hey Girl!" I had JUST made it to my car when I was confronted by a man with no front teeth, who says "Hey! Didn't you hear me calling you girl?! I was tryin' to get your attention to ask you out! My name is Steve and I'm a GOOD MAN. I  got a job. I can treat you right girl!"

WHOA Steve! Slow down! As appealing as all that are aware you are trying to pick up chicks outside the welfare office, right?! I'm a gonna have to pass on all that class, Steve, good man, or not. Scurry on back to the bus stop from which you came.

Preggo Pervert

Ah. The wonderful glow of being pregnant. Who would've thought that could be a turn on. (For someone other than your husband, that is!) But I discovered the (horrible) truth while pregnant for Brennan. And at the Public Library no less. In the kids section. Creeped out yet?! I was.

While in the children's section of the public library with my daughters (aged 4 and 6), a man approached me, and says, "Um. Excuse me?! I just wanted to tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my whole life. Pregnancy just suits you... And I was just wondering if your baby's dad was in the picture. Cuz if he's not I would love to take care of you and your baby. Can we go out sometime?"

  Wow. Just wow. How ballsy was that guy?! That was the fastest I have EVER grabbed up my kids and gotten out of ANYWHERE... Can we say creeper?! I am just gonna give you a little piece of advice...get out of the children's section when you don't have a CHILD WITH YOU. And what if I had just been fat? That would have been embarrassing.


Pocket Full of Numbers

I am saving the best for last. Because this one still makes me laugh. And it wasn't even me getting hit on (at first anyway...)

While at the bar with a friend, a guy walked up to us, reaches in his pocket to "write down his number" (uninvited I may add!) and pulls out a HANDFUL of strips of paper with his phone number already on them! (Whoops!) He hands one to my friend and says, "You are hot. Here's my number... Call me!" She laughed. In. His. Face. I swear to you, not even 20 minutes later, he came up to me and tried the exact same line on me!

This guy comes PREPARED! He's got a pocket full of numbers and one of them has YOUR name on it! Too bad I already caught on to your game when you just tried the same line on my friend. Remember me?! I was the one laughing at you. Next time, slow down on the beers. And don't write out your number in advance.

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  1. I have always found it amazing, the difference in confidence that men have hitting on women vs women approaching a man. I don't know if its the double standard thing but holy shit, some of them are really in over their heads. Years ago I told a guy that I wouldn't date him because I was sure he could never love me as much as he loved himself. It was a joke, sort of, and he was a good sport, but it was the truth. ~Maura @ Play Pen; The Irreverent Parents' Guide

    1. I agree! Some men just don't get it. And I have encountered a man (or three) that really couldn't find anyone to love him more than he already loved himself! LOL I am sooooo glad I am happily married! The dating scene is vicious!

  2. OMG, what a bunch of douche lords! This was hilarious though!

  3. Preggo Pervs, ick. That made me shudder!