If you see me running....RUN!

I hate to run.

I always have.

In middle school, my dad REALLY wanted me to try out for the basketball team. I agreed, after all, who doesn't want to please their daddy? So I showed up after school, all gung-ho to show how great of a shot I was. Then the coach blew the whistle and the torture running began. I swear it was NEVER ENDING! Back and forth, round and round, run, run, run. Until I thought I was going to throw up. Needless to say, when my dad picked me up, I put my non-running foot down about THAT whole business! And my ultimate hatred for running was born.

Fast forward twenty plus years.

My best friend (since birth, so she damn well knows how I feel about running) sees a cute little picture on Facebook advertising this great little dye throwing 5k and says "We should DO THIS! It will be great! It looks like so much fun!" and I (obviously knowing how much I hate running) say "Weeeeell, I HAVE been going to the gym 3 days a week... this will be a piece of cake. I got this! SURE! Let's do it!"

I still am not exactly sure why in the world I agreed so easily. But I did. And then to make matters EVEN worse....I paid the dang fee of $40.

Who in their right mind actually PAYS to run? Apparently this --> moron <-- right here.

But it was ok, right? I had like 6 months to train, to get myself ready. And I WAS already going to the gym and elipticalling my way towards a 5k run. I could do it.

Piece. of. cake.

I may have a SLIGHT problem with my positivity...

So Christmas comes and goes (mmmmm.....fudge) and life comes and goes and my gym visits get fewer and farther between and the thoughts of running fade from my mind like the remnants of a bad dream.

After all, that WAS all that was...Wasn't it?

Next thing I know, I am getting a message from my friend. "Hey! Did you get your run email? It's getting close! Why in the world did we sign up for this again??!" And reality was like WHAM. In. My. Face. Ugh. I was NOT dreaming. I DID sign up and PAY FOR this stupid run!

Well, if we are gonna dye, we might as well look good doin' it! ( <--- Like that little play on words there? hehehe)

It seemed to me that costumes were in order.

So, that weekend, I went to the craft store and bought yards upon yards upon yards of tulle (it takes A LOT to cover these big ole booties!) and her and I spent an afternoon making beautiful tu-tu's and creative t-shirts to wear to the color run.

Here is my friend's AWESOME creation!

We were gonna go out with a (fashionable) bang!

Next thing we knew, it was the night before the run. And I, being the last minute responsible person I am, was frantically trying to find the registration e-mail and get everything in order. Because EVERYONE does this at 10:00 on the night before an 8 am run....Right?! So, reading the e-mail, I see that I was supposed to go and register THAT day, but if you were a "late" registrar, you needed to be there at 6 am to "avoid" the long registration lines. Ugh. That meant a 5 am wake up AND a run.

Seriously, people, just kill. me. now.

Next morning. I hit the snooze. SEVERAL times. Rolled outta bed, slapped my hair in a pony tail (I was just gonna be a hot mess ANYWAY!) and stumbled out the door around 6. Drove to the place, looked around and thought "WHERE'S ALL THE PEOPLE AT?" That place was a ghost town. I could have slept AT LEAST another hour. Dammit! But I did manage to avoid the "long registration lines", get registered AND have time for selfies!

That's some hot ladies, right there!

And time for LOTS and LOTS of pictures. Apparently our costumes were quite the spectacle as people kept stopping us and asking to take our pictures. 

....It's really hard to be so good lookin'!

So. Now we had a TON of time to kill. Which was good since my friend was having a love affair with the Port A Pots...musta been all that water! Except we had to take that dang tu-tu off every time she went in. Then I had to help her get back in that sucker. Beauty is pain, folks.

Beauty is a pain in the butt, that is!

FINALLY, after all kinds of crazy hubaloo, the race is going to start! We did at least get to be at the front of the mob since we were there at the ass crack of dawn...so there was at least SOMETHING good outta that debacle... Bing, bang, boom, WE'RE OFF! At the steady pace of a turtle with hemorrhoids. People were passin' us left and right. But WHATEVER, we were pacing ourselves, dammit!

"Slow people to the right, please!"

We couldn't get anymore right. Believe THAT. I swear a lady running with her 2 year old passed us. And WHO in their right flippin' mind RUNS A 5K with a 2 year old any ole way?! But we just kept trucking along anyway.

And when we passed (severa;) places where we could seriously short-cut right on through and skip a BIG chunk of the race, we didn't. (Read: She wouldn't let me. What a meanie. Seriously. I tried. But NOOOOO! We are gonna run this WHOLE thing. Blah blah blah... Jerk.)

Half way point. Check! Thought we might have to detour to a smack down at this point. This dumb lady behind us (who was running with all FOUR of her kids) kept yelling at her tired kids to pick up the pace and stop complaining and quit asking for water. She deserved a good smacking. But I bit my tongue. Hard. And kept on truckin'. At the pace of a turtle. With hemmorhoids. (In case you forgot. Or missed that earlier.)

And then....an oasis appeared before my eyes...THE FINISH LINE! And my friend says, "Let's run it on in and finish strong!" and I say "Quit talking to me devil woman! You are lucky I even made it THIS far! Yea...you BETTER run! This lady is gonna have to kill you for making me do this dumb ole thing AND for not letting me cheat!"

Oh wait...I just was THINKING all that.

I actually said, "Oh lordy, kill me now...ok..." And we joined arms and ran that last 50 feet with all our might! YES! WE DID IT! WOO HOO! These two "curvy" ladies ran a WHOLE 5K! Well, we actually walked it. But we ran across the finish line. So SUCK IT!

Bottom line: We finished. And crossed "running a 5k" off of our bucket lists. And now I can retire "running" for good. Like it was meant to be.

I SURVIVED. THE END.

P.S. If you ever run a "color" run of any kind....a little advice: That dye gets EVERYWHERE. For real. I was washing it out of my butt crack for weeks. And my boobs looked they had been through a boxing match. And that, my friends, is no joke.

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