A walk to the park

If it is warm and sunny, chances are, your kids will want to go to the park. And since you have been on a fitness kick, you will decide that walking the half mile to the park is a great way to burn some extra calories so that you can afford to eat that bowl of ice cream you have been craving.

So you will grab your phone and a book, lock the door, and you will walk.

With your kids.

Along that walk, your kids will notice some wildflowers growing, and they will pick you some. Their beautiful yellow bouquet will remind you that you are allergic to dandelions. Unfortunately it won't remind the kids, who will find that blowing the dandelion seeds is a delightful game that makes mom sneeze.

All that laughter will remind the kids that it is always super fun to cross a busy street. Thankfully there aren't any cars coming as your five year old darts across it without looking. So you will run across the street too, screaming like a wild banshee, which will remind the kids that while crossing the street is fun, it is even more fun to run way ahead of you so that you have to chase them.

All that running will remind you why you don't like running. It will remind the kids that trespassing through people's front yards and picking flowers out of their flower beds is even more fun than darting across a street while mom screams.

You will finally reach the park, though your sanity may be trailing slightly behind the pack.

Reaching the park will remind you that you brought a book and can maybe have five minutes of peace and quiet to catch up on some reading.

Reaching the park will remind your kids that it is always fun to climb up to the top of the rope tower and scream for help getting down.

You put down your book and head out to the rescue.

Coaxing a frightened five year old down from the top of the playground equipment will remind you why it is stupid to bring a book to the park. It will remind your five year old that she really does love to climb that thing and she will climb back up again. And again. And again.

You finally persuade her to try something different so that you can sit down with your book.

Then your phone rings. It is your husband. He is on his way home from work. You attempt to spend two minutes talking to him and of course, that is when your five year old decides to climb up a twisty pole on her own and bumps her chin. You hang up the phone to comfort her.

Bumping her chin will remind her that she hasn't been up the rope tower in a while and she will start that fun game all over again.

You will finally get the kids playing independently and sit down to read your book.

That is when you will notice that the temperature has dropped slightly and the sky is starting to get a little darker. Wait. Was that a raindrop? You are reminded that you have to walk home and you attempt to gather up the kids to start the trek back home.

You telling the kids that it is about to rain and you need to leave, reminds them that they never went down the slide. And because you can't go to the park without going down the slide (five hundred times) they will run up the steps to go down the slide.

You will feel another raindrop and remember that not only did you walk to the park, you are carrying a book and a cell phone and don't have any pockets. You will tell the kids that if they don't come now, they will have to find a new family because you are leaving, with or without them.

This announcement will make your five year old run back up the steps to the top of the slide for "one last time."

You feel another rain drop.

Feeling the rain drop will remind your kids that you have to walk home. And they will come running. It will remind you that you don't have a safe place to put your phone to keep it from getting wet and you will set a faster pace.

Seeing you walk faster, will remind the kids how fun it is to run way ahead of mom on the side of a busy street. You will run after them, screaming like a wild banshee. Again.

You will feel more rain, as it starts to come down in a light sprinkle. This will remind your five year old that she really doesn't like rain which will set her into a panic. She will cry and carry on and act like she is sugar and the rain is going to wash her away.

During all that fuss, the rain will start to come down even harder. That will remind your five year old that rain is wet. It will also remind her that when it rains on you, your clothes stick to you. That will cause her to panic even more. All that crying and carrying on will remind you why it is smart to check the weather before going on a walk to the park.

You somehow make it home from the park without your five year old melting or you blowing your top. You get inside right as the rain stops. When the rain stops, the sun will come back out which will remind your kids that when it is warm and sunny...

You want to go play at the park.

This time, you drive.

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Brennan Tid-Bits: A Facebook year in review.

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen's Momma started one year ago today with a little old page on Facebook.  I never imagined in a million years that it would grow to this. Or that it would be so popular! Thanks for giving my funny stories an audience. You rock. And if you didn't find this blog from over there, be sure to head over to Facebook and check it out.

This past year has been crazy, full of ups and downs, big changes and little ones, and most of all, laughter. It is hard to believe that I have been at this whole "blogging" thing for a year now! As a little treat for my Facebook 1 year Pagiversary, I have put together my favorite tid-bits from the past year. Enjoy!

-

In Defense of Dad

Brennan: What does the Hulk look like?
Dad: He is just a regular guy, like daddy
Jessi: Except daddy is short, so he is probably taller
Kk: DONT SAY THAT about dad! Hes not short! He's just a little chubby...
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Dad: Ok, Ok....so the hulk isn't really like daddy...
Kaileigh: Its ok daddy! You are warm and good to snuggle!

-

Brennan tells a knock knock joke....

Knock knock

Who's there

Poop

Nooo... we don't say that

OK, fine...knock knock

Who's there

Teeth

Okay! That's better! Teeth who?

I'm gonna knock your teeth out! *hysterical laughter*

Okay, I spoke too soon....not much better!

-

Naughty Lil' Stinker

So Brennan was being pretty naughty and dad asked her "Do you want a spankin?" Of course her response was "Nope" as she disappeared into the bathroom. 2 seconds later I hear "actually I do want one..." So off goes dad to the bathroom where he encounters Brennan with the sink stool wrapped around her bottom, bent over waiting for one.... I should not have been laughing so hard in the living room....

-

A fast learner

Me: (to hubs) I am taking some cash out of your wallet to get gas.
Hubs: (counting cash in his wallet) Well that leaves me with 65 bucks for the week...that should be good..." 
Brennan: (running in from other room) Daddy, can I borrow 65 bucks?!

-

Mommy's Little "Helper"

It appears I have my own personal fashion consultant, in the form of a 4 year old diva. 
As I was getting dressed and around in the bathrom this morning, she came in, looked me up and down, and said, and I quote, "Oooooh....mom?! You aren't planning on wearing that anywhere today are you?"


So I say, "Um, ACTUALLY, I AM planning on wearing this today.....why? Does it look bad or something?"


"Mom. Its not that simple."


Guess I better sign myself up for the next season of What Not To Wear...

-

A Vocabulary Lesson

Brennan: There's a fecker.
Me: A WHAAAATT??
Brennan: A fecker. You know. A fox and a pecker.
Me: Ummmmmmm
Brennan: A FOX AND A WOODPECKER, MOM!
Me: Oohhhh! Well Ok. Maybe we can come up with a different name for that....

-

Where does boob milk come from?

Brennan: When I was a baby I drank milk from your boob.
Me: Yes, you did.
Brennan: Does everyone have milk in their boobies?
Me: No, only mommys with babies. Now that you are big I don't have milk in there anymore.
Brennan: Yea! Now I get my milk from the fridge!! 
*pondering*
Brennan: Well HOW DOES IT GET IN THERE??
Me: (thinking quick on my feet) God puts it in there for mommas to feed their babies!
Brennan: (hysterically laughing) How does God pour milk into your boobies?? Hahahaha! That is too funny, mom.

I can only imagine the cartoon in her mind of God with a big carton of milk, pouring it into womans breast. LOL. The way a childs mind works...

-

Child's Play

Brennan: Mommy! You thinkin what I'm thinkin?! 

(Pinching my lips closed with her fingers) 

Say mmmhmm. Say it!

Me: mmmhmmm

Brennan: Wanna know WHAT I'm thinkin?!

Me: (Lips still pinched shut) mmhmmm

Brennan: (excited) I'm thinkin you should bring me a PRESENT!!

Well played child! Well played....

-

When kids learn insults

Brennan: This is my baby, Ellie Cootie Pock.
Me: Ellie. Cootie. Pock?! Bwhahahaha
Brennan: Don't laugh. I named her that cuz YOU are an Ellie Cootie Pock.

Uhhhh. Was that an insult? I think it was!

-

McDonald's Playland for the win... 

(YES, I caved! She is just too dang cute to say "no" to sometimes...and besides...pie...and peace...)

Me: Brennan, leave your American Girl toy at the table please. I don't want to have to climb up there to "rescue" her later....
Brennan: What are you going to do IF I take it up there?
Me: I will take it away.
Brennan: And do WHAT with it?
Me: I will give it to your sister.
Brennan: Weeeellll....WHICH sister?
Me: Kk. The one who WON'T give it back.
Brennan: *hands me the doll*

Yea. I thought so. I got your games, girl. And I am one step ahead. Mom for the win.

-

When Good Girls Go Bad

Brennan: (cuddling up to her daddy and being all lovey-dovey) Daddy, I got a headache!
Hubs: (kissing her forehead) Oh, I'm sorry honey!
Brennan: (super sweet) Wanna know who gave me a headache?
Hubs: Who did, honey?!
Brennan: It was you.

I can't stop laughing over here! She sure can deliver some crushing news all covered in syrup. Maybe when she grows up she will work in HR. She can be the person who fires people. 
...If she doesn't end up being a movie star.

-

What REALLY Happens When The Kids Are At Play

The kids have been *happily* playing outside for over an hour. 

Hubs: We should probably call the kids in...
Me: (looks at clock) Uh, do we HAVE to?! Can't we just leave them out there? They'd be okay out there overnight, right?! They could always sleep under the deck...
Hubs: Or in the car!
Me: YES! Besides, it's not even dark yet. Let's not give up so easily.
(Goes back to watching TV)

Five minutes later
Hubs: We are bad. You know that right?!
Me: Nah. We are just smart. Now shut up before you jinx it.

-

The Little Lies We Tell

As a big storm is rolling in-
Brennan:*frightened* Is that thunder, momma? I don't LIKE storms!
Me: Yes. But it's ok. We are inside and safe!
Brennan: *Looking out the window* Wow! That sure is a lot of rain, momma!
Me: Yes, it's really coming down!
Brennan: Is God bowling AND crying, momma? Why would he be doing both?! ....OH, I KNOW! He is probably crying because he's not winning!....OR.....maybe he is crying because I have been so naughty....

Yea. I PROBABLY should have said something about that last part. But NOBODY said I was perfect! I wonder if that will make her pick up her markers like I have been asking her to do for the last half an hour?

-

What was your favorite story from this past year?

And be watching for more "Tid-Bits" in the near future

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The Perils of Co-Showering

I take showers with my four year old.

Whew! Glad to get that out there. Everybody has an opinion about it these days, and most of those people don't even HAVE kids.

It started when she was a baby. It was just easier for me to take her in with me than to trust that the older three kids would leave her alone (and well) long enough for me to shower. And since I enjoy NOT smelling like baby vomit, I had to come up with SOMETHING! And so the idea of co-showering came into play.

When she was really little, it was a team effort with my husband and I taking turns holding her while the other got clean, then one of us would exit, dry off, and then get her out. As she got older, the hubs bowed out. It may have had something to do with the time that she played ding-dong-ditch with his man parts, but I am not certain, and he's not talking. No really, we made a pact to never talk about that (embarrassing yet incredibly hilarious) moment EVER again.

Shoot! I am totally breaking that vow right now. Don't tattle!

So now it's just us. Me and her. And it is just part of our normal routine. I mean, if you don't make a big deal out of something, the kids won't either, right? And they certainly are used to seeing me halfway dressed as I have been walking around in my underwear since they were born. (Not planning on changing that either. Get over it!)

And several funny stories have come about because of our stance on co-showering. The first being the time that she assaulted the man parts with a giggle. But we aren't talking about that one. (See! I CAN keep a secret, honey!) There was also the time that she pooped. THAT was a treat. Let me tell ya. Nothing like playing hopscotch over turds in a slippery bathtub while trying to avoid tripping over a toddler or bringing down the whole shower curtain bar.

And then there was the time that she peed on my feet.

Good times.

But my absolute favorite story is the one that just happened!

Her and I were showering, like usual, me washing her hair, her playing with cups and other toys, when all of a sudden, she milked me! Or at least she tried too! (I TOLD you she had an obsession with boobs!) Before I could even stop her, that child reached up grabbed ahold of the old milk jugs and gave a squeeze! And I KNOW she was a-milkin' because she was holding her cup up to catch the juice!

Oh Lordy! Will this child's breastfeeding fascination EVER end?

I tried (unsuccessfully) not to laugh so that she would take me serious when I told her that "Cows are for milking, NOT mommies! and that "milking mommy's boobies was NOT appropriate touching" and then I asked her if she would like a good milking when she gets some ta-tas of her own? Of course, she giggled a big "no!" And I don't think she believed me when I told her that I WILL pay her back for all this breast assaulting when she is a tween/teen and has her OWN.

But I will!

After all, I have YEARS to plan the perfect revenge.

photo credit: khunaspix via www.freedigitalphotos.net

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And just like that SUMMER IS OVER...

Casa de Drama- A weekly summer recap in pictures 

In a surprising twist of fate, I find myself looking forward to summer break this year. Weird, I know! But nonetheless, here I am! To commemorate this (unexpected) feeling, I am kicking off this summer long series, where I will give you a glimpse into our daily lives through pictures and brief "recaps" of some of the funny things happening in this crazy zone we call home! 
Welcome to my Casa de Drama...




Wow! The last couple weeks of this summer REALLY dragged out for me this year. (And every year. Let's keep it real!) The kids are FINALLY back in school. Only a 1/2 day today, but at least it was a couple hours of sane time! Tomorrow it is back to regular business in this house and I am SO ready. And even though summer seemed long, we managed to squeeze every last drop of fun out of it! 

Here are the last week (and a half) of highlights. Enjoy!

Last week ended off with the hubs celebrating his birthday! We had a lot of fun leaving the kids behind and heading off to the casino! Too bad my hubs is getting to be quite the old fart...
Dinner: 4p Casino: 6 Home by 9. My hubs is living up his bday in style...old man style! 38 is the new 90.
#OldFart #ButHesMYfart 
Wait! What?
And he even managed to win back all the money I lost! What would I do without this man?!

It's those glasses AGAIN! Silly girl!

Brennan kept us entertained (as always!) with these funny conversations:
As a big storm is rolling in-
Brennan:*frightened* Is that thunder, momma? I don't LIKE storms!
Me: Yes. But it's ok. We are inside and safe!
Brennan: *Looking out the window* Wow! That sure is a lot of rain, momma!
Me: Yes, it's really coming down!
Brennan: Is God bowling AND crying, momma? Why would he be doing both?! ....OH, I KNOW! He is probably crying because he's not winning!....OR.....maybe he is crying because I have been so naughty.... 
(I PROBABLY should have said something about that last part. But NOBODY said I was perfect! I wonder if that will make her pick up her markers like I have been asking her to do for the last half an hour?)

She sure was ROCKIN' the glasses this week!

And Brennan decided that she wanted a "tooth fairy" for a pet!
Kk: Momma! I am going to lose my tooth today! It is soooo loose!
Me: Awesome!
Brennan: Does that mean the tooth fairy will come tonight??!
Me: Well.....MAYBE... (I have to say this because our tooth fairy is "slightly" forgetful....errr....I mean BUSY)
Brennan: Ooooooh.....I can't wait! Cuz I am gonna CATCH that tooth fairy and keep her! I always wanted a tooth fairy... 

I guess it's a GOOD thing that our tooth fairy is so terrible at her one and only job. It just might save her life.

 And after THIS happened- 
AAAAAAH! I need a mom-cation! Seriously! I just cleaned poop out of the bathroom sink. POOOOOOP in my SINK! How does that even HAPPEN?!
P.S. It was Brennan. She has a pooping issue.
I decided if you can't beat them, join 'em! And built this living room blanket fort to TRY and get a few precious minutes to myself for writing....

It didn't work. 

 After WEEKS of feeling left out...

Brennan: Hey Kk! Wanna play the game "left out" where I feel left out?
Kk: *laughing, looks at me and says* I don't know WHAT she is TALKING about!

Ah. The joys of being the youngest sister.

Brennan FINALLY got to go away for the day to Grandma's ALL by herself!

 She was SO excited! (And I was too, because let's face it...she's a tornado and I needed a break!)

The big girls got cute new hair cuts for school over the weekend. Yay! School! 

It's about TIME school was coming up...I am pretty sure the hubs was starting to get a little sick of summer too...

Hubs: Ooooh! Honey I REALLY wanna go to the buffet today! But it's so expensive...... and the kids.....We gotta make that happen!
Me: Ya gonna sell a kidney?!
Hubs: ALMOST....knock off the end of that word and you GOT it! Hey ki-ids! Come here! Daddy's got something he needs to discuss with you.....
 
And JUST LIKE THAT....summer was over! We now OFFICIALLY have a 10th grader, a 6th grader, a 4th grader, and a soon-to-be preschooler!

Thanks for following our summer adventures! The Casa de Drama will still be popping up occassionally... like maybe when Brennan starts school in a few weeks...
 

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Read the WHOLE Casa de Drama series:
Schools out! Schools out! Teacher let the fools out!
Camp Freedom
I'm gonna party like it's my birthday...oh wait.... IT IS!
Casa de Drama Americana
Casa de Karaoke
Grab yer bibs, mosquitos....THIS fam is goin' campin'!
Is summer about over yet?!
Casa de....I need a maid! And a vacation. Stat!
VBS to the Rescue!
Garage Sale Queens (otherwise known as borderline hoarders)
A Man and his Meat

Well, that's just the poops!

My 4 year old daughter, Brennan, has an eating problem.

It's called picky eater syndrome.

And I don't mean "eww, veggies are gross" picky, I mean, doesn't eat veggies, fruits, or basically ANYTHING healthy, picky. And believe me we. have. tried. The pediatrician recommended "tricking" her by "hiding" the things we WANT her to eat in things that she WILL eat. (Which is basically meat, cheese, yogurt, cereal, potatoes, and pasta) But she is just too dang smart for all that jazz! She has been known to pick a pea OUT OF a pasta shell covered in cheese.

HOW DID SHE EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE?!

Well, all this pickiness leads to another problem. A big one. Constipation. This girl gets so bound up that I swear poo should be coming out her nostrils. She has to take (prescribed) laxatives daily to keep her regular. And sometimes not even THAT works. Like this past weekend, when we were camping. She didn't go the ENTIRE time. And after days of hotdogs, burgers, chocolate, and graham crackers....one can only IMAGINE how bound up a 4 year old could be!

That's where the fear comes in.

Now, she has been constipated for SO long, that she REMEMBERS what it feels like to give birth to a giant turd via her butthole. And she gets herself all kinds of worked up thinking about it. So when the meds start kicking in, and she NEEDS to go....she holds it! She holds it until she can't possibly hold it in any longer. Then we have a 2 day cry-fest as I try to coax and cajole her into sitting on the potty.

And I usually fail MISERABLY.

9 times out of 10, she ends up walking around, crying, until she "accidentally" goes in her pants. Which is EXACTLY what happened this time. So be it. We cleaned her up, put her in clean pants and went on with our day. No yelling. No scolding. Just hugging and changing. (Can I get a MoTY now??! If THAT doesn't earn me one then I just. plain. give. up.) And at least it is over. ....Right?

No. Oh no! One could only DREAM that it would be over. But over was FAR from sight.

Fast forward a day. Off to my best friend's house to have a fun afternoon in her inflatable backyard pool, while we grown-ups get a (much needed and DESERVED) chat session. We should have known better than to expect anything even CLOSE to that! Less than 10 minutes in, Brennan has an "accident" (of the diarrhea kind)  in her pants. No biggie. (For me... cuz I was picking up pizza, so my friend had to clean it up! Hehehe) So she got her changed (into her swimsuit) and sent her on her way.

To the pool. In the backyard.

Ten minutes later, I am standing in the front yard, and here comes Brennan, through the garage, from the backyard, with poo DRIPPING EVERYWHERE! Seriously, she left a poo trail through the garage and down the driveway into the front yard. EEEEEK! So I did what any good mom would do and freaked the heck out calmly said, "Oh lordy, I hope you didn't poop in the pool!!!! Oh. You had an accident. Let me help you." And I did the only reasonable thing I could think of.

I grabbed the hose.

And there, right in the front yard, with cars driving by, I sprayed the poop right off that girl. I pulled out the back of her swimsuit bottoms, and hosed off her little behind. Then I sprayed all the poop off my friend's driveway and out of her garage. Checked the pool for any signs of "leakage" and sent Brennan back to play. (What?! I was TRYING to have some much needed "mommy" time, remember?!)

Twenty minutes later, I look out in the front yard and there is my friend's son in the front yard filling up his little yellow sand pail with the hose. So, of course, I went out to tell him to get his little butt in the backyard investigate. I asked him what he was doing and he points.... to Brennan, dripping poo AGAIN! And here is her little friend filling up his pail to clean her off! How sweet! (And slightly disturbing!)

Sooooo, back to front-yard hosing. Ugh. People really give you the strangest looks as they drive by!

And after that, I called it quits on having any mommy time and packed up my little party pooper and went home. Where she didn't have another accident.

Of course.

Some days I just can't catch a break!

What kinds of things have your kids done to ruin your mom-time?

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Casa de Karaoke

Casa de Drama- A weekly summer recap in pictures 

In a surprising twist of fate, I find myself looking forward to summer break this year. Weird, I know! But nonetheless, here I am! To commemorate this (unexpected) feeling, I am kicking off this summer long series, where I will give you a glimpse into our daily lives through pictures and brief "recaps" of some of the funny things happening in this crazy zone we call home! 
Welcome to my Casa de Drama...




Well, this week was all around yucky. We all gotta have 'em sometimes right? So, as you probably know, when momma gets sick, the house goes to hell. 

Or is that just MY house??

The week started out ok....

Well, as ok as it gets when the kids get a little mischievous! 

<-------This is what I woke up to Monday morning!

Had a little friend next to my head on my pillow... hehehe! They really thought they would get me with this one! But who am I to disappoint? A fake scream was in order. Which resulted in much giggling from outside the bedroom door!
 
Little stinkers. 


But unfortunately for me, the fun was soon to end for the week. Momma got sick. The nasty, can't even move outta bed unless you are runnin' for el toilet (<--said in my BEST French accent. Which isn't really that good...) Bottom line: I spent two days on the throne and the kids ran amok. Basically. CHAOS. And I was too sick to care. Good news: I lost 10 pounds! Bad news: I was also to sick to take any pictures. Soooooo, I will have to distract you with these cutesy baby picture of Brennan instead!

Seriously Just. Too. Cute. Brennan and Kk 2010

 

And my favorite..."Yea, I got this sucker wrapped
around my finger. What are YOU gonna do about it?"

Ha- ha! Now that ya got the ooey gooey warm and fuzzy baby feeling, I can reel ya in! Oh wait...Did I say that out loud?! What I meant to say was...on with the week!

Thankfully by Thursday I was starting to feel (a little bit) better and could at least direct traffic from the couch. Unfortunately, Brennan thought the couch was her stomping ground. Or jumping to be more specific...

Me: Sit on the couch right or you will have to sit on the floor. Brennan: For the rest of my life??! 
Me: Yes. Forever. 
Brennan: And then you will starve me and I will die?!!

Would it be totally wrong for me to answer "yes" so she stops jumping on the couch? Ok. Ok. I won't. But I sure did think about it.

Huh. See what I mean about the house going all the hell when momma is otherwise disposed?! 

When the cat is away, the mice get to play. Or something like that. The hubs is a pushover. It DEFINITELY has NOTHING to do with me! *Insert innocent look here*

On that note, I didn't have ANYTHING to do with this craziness either *wink wink*

For your viewing pleasure....Brennan's music video debut!

What's up with the crazy lip sync faces?? Bwhahahaha....THIS GIRL is too much! She sure can rock out the one line she actually knows. A true karaoke queen. Just like her momma. And ignore the mess. I WAS sick all week, after all!

One last parting pic of Brennan
Playing in shaving cream at a party...Cheap fun!

And THAT my friends is a glimpse into our casa de karaoke, errr, I mean DRAMA! Ya'll come back now ya hear!

Be sure to catch up on all the Casa de Drama series by reading these previous posts:
Schools out! Schools out! Teacher let the fools out!
Camp Freedom
I'm gonna party like it's my birthday...oh wait.... IT IS!
Casa de Drama Americana

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