Friday, September 11, 2015

How to accomplish things on your day off in 16 easy steps

Step 1
Peel yourself out of a warm bed at the horrible screeching of your alarm clock. Find solace in the fact that in exactly one hour you will have EIGHT HOURS of uninterrupted silence.

Step 2
Hurry and help the kids get around for school. After all, nothing motivates a mother more than the promise of solitude! Be sure to almost forget to pack their lunches because last minute panic really gets your blood pumping.

Step 3
Dutifully stand at the bus stop with your kids and pretend to look disappointed when the bus FINALLY pulls in. Refrain from doing cartwheels the whole way home. You don't want to spend your day off in the hospital (or give the neighbors anything else to whisper about you!)

Step 4
Make yourself a giant-sized cup of coffee to help you focus.  Walk away while it brews and forget that you made it.

Step 5
Hunt down a piece of paper and a pen to make a To-Do list for the day. Maybe in the desk? Nope. Not there. In the kitchen junk drawer? Of course not. WHERE ON EARTH ARE ALL THE WRITING UTENSILS IN THIS HOUSE?!!! Finally find a crayon in the bathroom and an old grocery store receipt. Whatever. It works.

Step 6
Begin writing your list. Set it down in the counter when you remember about your cup of coffee. Add creamer to your coffee and then set your cup down on the counter when you realize that you HAVE to at least do ONE load of laundry today.

Step 7
Head off to the laundry room. Try hard to refrain from looking into the children's rooms for dirty laundry, no sense getting yourself all worked up on your day off. Besides, if they have to wear dirty clothes tomorrow it will provide them with a valuable lesson about listening to their mother. Put some laundry in the washing machine. Head back to the kitchen to tackle that list.

Step 8
Completely ignoring the list, settle in at the kitchen table with your phone and catch up on the daily down-low (by scrolling through Facebook.) Remember about that cup of coffee. Oooh, it is still hot! Try to recall the last time you were able to enjoy your coffee without having to reheat it in the microwave fifteen times.

Step 9
Realize that it has been over an hour since putting the kids on the bus and you have not accomplished a thing on your list. Try and remember where you set that dumb ole thing. While searching for your list, remember that you work better when listening to music. Turn on the TV and search for the remote. Now where did the kids put that stupid thing? Turn the living room upside down looking for it. Find it in the bathroom.

Step 10
Now that you have the remote in hand, forget WHY you were looking for it, and settle in on the couch to catch up on some Netflix. You vaguely remember what it is like to pick the program. It feels good!

Step 11
After watching five episodes of your favorite show (THANK YOU, NETFLIX!), realize that you were SUPPOSED to be tackling that list! Whoops. Back to the list.

Step 12
OH NO! You forgot the laundry! Head to the laundry room to move the laundry to the dryer and start another load. Pat yourself on the back that you remembered BEFORE the mildew set in this time. You are so awesome.

Step 13
Open the dishwasher to start a load of dishes. Your phone rings. It's your mother. Answer it. After all, when was the last time you were able to chat without sounding like you had a severe case of Tourettes? And she knows that you are home alone and don't have an excuse for NOT answering. Catch up on ALL the latest family gossip. Realize you have been on the phone for almost half an hour. Tell your mother that you REALLY need to accomplish something today, so you will have to get off the phone. Listen as she tells you five more "important" things. Gently remind her that you need to hang up. Continue listening to her for another half hour. Pretend your other line is ringing to finally get off the phone.

Step 14
Head back to that list.

Step 15
Hear the distinct sound of a school bus rumbling down the road. Look at the clock. WHAT? It must be wrong! It is 3:00 already? Run to the laundry room to look like you are hard at work folding laundry as you hear the children's shouts outside, followed by the slamming of the door and the inevitable "MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM" that follows.

Step 16
Concede that you can't live in a perfectly clean house AND enjoy your day off. It just wasn't meant to be. Besides, kids NEED chores to help build character and responsibility. You can try again next week. Now you get to tackle making dinner while helping with homework.

And that is a whole new list.
photo credit: stock images at

How do you enjoy YOUR day off? Share it with me in the comments!

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Looking for something new to binge-on? Check out Netflix's new fall lineup! There is definitely something for everyone.
Once Upon a Time
Walking Dead
Grey s Anatomy
The League