Tuesday, May 27, 2014

All aboard the Hoo Hoo Express!

As any of you who follow my blog on Facebook (click here) know, my 4 year old daughter, Brennan, is OBSESSED with 2 things.


Pretty much daily, she climbs up into my lap, lays her head on my "pillows" (this is where the boobs first come into play), and rubs my fat "baby" tummy. Minus the baby. (Cuz this mom is D-O-N-E, done!) It is during these precious moments that the baby badgering begins. "Why is your tummy so fat? Is there a bay-bay in there?" Followed by "Well WHY isn't there a baby in there? I really WANT a baby to be in there!" And on my luckiest days, she stops there.

I don't get lucky very often. (I am married after all)

When I can't quench her insatiable thirst for a younger sibling THAT way, she starts in on a new angle... "When I was a baby, I drank milk from your boobies!" She says with a giggle. "Why do boobies have milk ONLY for babies?" (She asks this because she previously was told that the Milk Express has permanently left the station and will NOT return without the birth of another baby. And I am pretty darn sure that she is itchin' for a big swig of good old fashioned boob juice) "Maybe you should have a baby so we can get more milk!" Emphasis on the "we" proves my earlier point. Then the crazy boob rubbing and talking comes in. "Oh boobies! I love you so much! You are so boob-e-full! (giggle) Who is my booby, booby?!!" This lasts several minutes and is quite uncomfortable (for both me AND the boob-e-full boobies), until I finally say "THAT'S ENOUGH" and physically remove her hands and try (usually unsuccessfully) to change the topic.

Epic fail.

All that usually does, is kick the stubborn drama-queen into full gear, and I get the "Well I didn't ASK to be the LAST baby! You had 3 (fingers up to prove her point) other babies before me and I don't want to be the littlest." No luck? She pulls out the cuddly soft side with "God puts the babies in there." matter-of-factly stated. Ooooh no... I know what she is REALLY saying: "Haha woman! I get the last laugh. You have ZERO say in whether another baby gets put in that sucker! I will just pray every night for a baby. And you will be SCREWED!"

When those questions get her no where, she puts the REAL baby questions into play! Sticking her finger into my belly button, she asks, "Is THIS where babies come out of?" "No", I tell her, "That is where babies get hooked inside their momma's tummies. Then after you are born, a doctor snips your umbilical chord off and you get a belly button in it's place." Hmmm. This always makes her ponder for a minute or two before she starts getting deeper and MUCH more persistant. "Where do they COME OUT OF then?"

Well, after several hmms and haws over THAT beaut of a question, the hubs had finally had enough. So the last time she asked, he stated, loudly and with hand gestures that I really wish I could emulate in writing, "They come from your VA-GI-NA!"

Cue hysterical giggles.

No seriously. That is what that statement did. She was uncontrollable! "Daddy is SILL-AY! Huh, momma?! That isn't where BABIES come out of!" "Oh yes it is", the hubs counters. "Babies come straight out the Hoo Hoo Express" Still giggling, she looks at her dad, then looks at me, to see me nodding my head in solemn (well, as solemn as I could muster after hearing the term "hoo hoo express" come out of my husband's mouth) agreement.

Huh. "Can I watch a movie?", she asks. Whew! Maybe, just maybe, the hubs has shut her up on the baby makin' questions!

Naw... She will be back at it again tomorrow. I'm sure. This girl sure is stubborn. I wonder where she gets it from?

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Sunday, May 25, 2014

Ummmm...She's MY best friend! So go get your own.

What defines a friend?

Lots of things, I am sure. Probably someone you talk to (somewhat) consistantly. And maybe, just maybe, when the kids aren't acting a complete fool, you get to spend some time together. Someone you can have some fun with. Obviously, it is a person you care about, who cares about you in return. Someone who just "gets" you... 

But what defines a "BEST FRIEND"?

I have a best friend. And she is the bestest-best friend a girl could have! Why? You ask....Well, let me tell you!

My best friend, Amy, well, she is a special soul. We are "bosom" buddies, mostly because we both have big bosoms, but also because we can have a good time no matter WHAT we are doing. Like the time that I got to her house and she was on the toilet. With the door wide open. But did I run? Oh no! I donned the gas mask that her kids were handing out and charged my way on through the fumes to see my girl. I mean, we have 8 kids between the two of us, so quality "alone time" is hard to come by! And if you can't poop in front of your best friend, then I am just not sure you can REALLY qualify them as your BEST friend...maybe just a "friend"... 

You know what else?! We share the same birthday. Let me say that again...WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY! Now what are the odds of that kind of awesomeness?! And you know what she did, the very FIRST time we hung out, which happened to be ON that special day that was set aside JUST for us (and a million other people...but they don't really matter!) She sacrificed herself. She took one look at my poor, disgusting (non-sandal worthy) feet, tsk tsked, and said, "Sit down and give me your foot." I was a little bit concerned for her safety and slightly embarrassed, but I wasn't about to turn down a free pedicure, so I complied. She pulled out that file, hiked up her skirt, grabbed ahold of that nasty sucker and got to filing. It kind of reminded me of that scene in "Dumb and Dumber" where Harry and Lloyd were in the salon, with the giant buffing wheel, 'cept she was doing it all manually. Now THAT is love! And when she was finished, I had awesome sandal feet. And she had a new best friend. Cuz I'm no dummy! I know a good thing when I see it. And any woman who will mess with MY feet... She's a keeper. 

But you know what I love MOST about my best friend? We can be ourselves around each other. No fake "I'm a perfect mother/perfect person who lives in Pinterest world with my perfect kids" Heck no! We like to keep it real. If my kids are acting a fool, I can yell. If hers are, I can yell at them too. And she doesn't even get MAD at me! We are kinda like sister wives. Except we don't have to share the same husband. So, that's even BETTER. And when life gets us down, I know I can always count on her. And she knows she can always count on me. And my willingness to bring wine. Lots and lots of wine.

 After finding all this stuff out about MY best friend, I KNOW you want her for YOUR best friend! I don't think so. Go get your own. She's mine. And I haven't really learned to share.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Top 10 Things NOT to say to Parents

I think we have all been guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes our mouths get ahead of our brains. 

But some things...SOME THINGS are just so horrible that you probably shouldn't even think them, let alone let them slip out of your pie hole.

In that spirit, I put together a list of some of the things that I think should NEVER be said to parents. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. I bet you can relate...

10. Yoga pants AGAIN, huh?! Did your washing machine break down? Or are you just slacking on your "wifely" duties??
You caught me! I have only done 50 loads THIS week...but I should just kill myself to stay caught up. And while I am at it, I should probably also squeeze myself into some "skinny" jeans and pretend I am 20 and without kids too.

9. You look like you put on a little weight! Are you expecting?
My favorite! No, I am just fat. Ya know F-A-T, the way you look after having 4 kids and not going to the gym like a crazy maniac and hiding in the closet with chocolate every time the kids are driving you batty.

Just so you know, the look on people's faces after stating you are in fact NOT pregnant is ALMOST worth the insult that you are.

8. Ooooh, you sure have your hands full! I hope you are about finished having babies...
Actually, we have decided to have 5 more! Would you like to be added to my babysitting list?

7. If I were you.....ANYTHING!

Self explanatory. You aren't me.

6. Ummm, excuse me! If you would just go ahead and GIVE IN to your child's shopping checkout lane temper tantrum we would ALL appreciate it!
I would LOVE to! I also would love to send them on home with YOU for the afternoon! 

No?! Then maybe you should just turn back around. Stat.

5. I don't have kids, but ______ (insert ANY advice here)
If you don't have kids, you should STAY out of it. Please and thank-you. (Just trying to keep it civil here.)

4. If you spank your child (or discipline them in any way) I will call the police on you.
Yes! Please do. Maybe they would babysit these naughty kiddos for a couple hours so I can catch a break.

3. Oh, I could NEVER breastfeed! It's so gross! (Especially AS a mother is breastfeeding)

Well, it's a good thing I am NOT you then. And if you don't like it, why the heck are you staring so intently? Mind your manners (and eyeballs) and your own business while you are at it.

2. Looks like you are getting a little frustrated there...Maybe you should just calm down....

CALM DOWN??! Sure. I will get right on that. After I stab you with this spork in my hand.

1. You look tired! You probably could use a little break, huh?! You should go on a vacation.

Let me get RIGHT on that! Shut yer trap. UNLESS you are offering to babysit AND pay for aforementioned vacation....then I love you. No seriously. Will you pay?! Help a girl out! Don't make me resort to begging.

What would YOU add to the list?

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Monday, May 19, 2014

11 Reasons why I love being a mom to girls

When Jessica, my oldest daughter, was born 11 years ago, she couldn’t have been born to a worse situation. Her brother, who was 4, had just been diagnosed with Leukemia and life for me was a mad whirlwind. Appointments, and treatments, and day long hospital stays. How in the world could I handle a baby, as a single mother, when I had so much on my plate already??

The odds of being a good mom were stacked against me.

The odds of being a great mom…slim to none.

And that’s where the blessing comes in. The blessing? You ask. Yes. The blessing.  I gave birth that day to a beautiful  7 lb 3 oz bundle of forgiveness. 

My daughter, Jessica, is THE MOST forgiving person I know. Her temperament and personality were exactly what I needed.

I had never really thought of it that way before. But last week, while talking to a friend about “the way” Jessica is (serious, mature, and overly sensitive), she said, “Yes. But she kinda needed to be that way. Just think of how it was in your life when she was born. She has always needed to have a grown-up mentality.” 

At first, I was slightly offended. I instantly thought I had robbed her of a good childhood. But then I thought about it for a minute. It was true. She NEEDED to be mature. She NEEDED to be extra compassionate and loving. She NEEDED to be calm and serious. And most important she needed to be patient and forgiving. And she was. She IS. And I love her so much for that.

It truly is a different experience to be a mother of girls versus boys. Here are a few of the things I love most:

photo credit:imagerymajestic via www.freedigitalphotos.net
1.The glitter and glam. I love painting nails and doing hair and picking out cute frilly little dresses for them to wear.

2. The pictures. The endless poses and smiles and Diva-esque struts caught on film. The parties where we dressed up and strutted around like models and took pictures.

3. The snuggles. The calm, loving moments where contentment is reached just in holding on to each other.

4. The understanding. The instant understanding of another woman’s mentality. When to back off and give mom space, when to push for what we want and feel we deserve.

5. The emotions. Yes. A strange one given that girls tend to be so emotionally over the top. But the happy times are that much happier and the funny times are that much funnier. And the love is so much more open.

6. The affection. Girls aren’t afraid to give you some love. No fussing and carrying on about hugs and kisses. Just open arms.

7. The fun. The tea parties and fun times playing with Barbies and dolls.

8. The imagination. The make-believe stories and imaginary friends. The endless hours spent playing dress-up.

9.  The giggles. The straight from the belly, deep down peels of excitement that bubble out in the form of hysterical giggling.

10. The encouragement. The times that I was feeling down and out, having a daughter to notice that and offer encouragement. And embrace me. And tell ME it was gonna be okay. Priceless.

11. The tears. Another odd reason. But it was in those times of disappointment that I could comfort and hold and offer the encouragement that they have offered me all these years of being their mother.

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*This post was originally written as a birthday tribute to my oldest daughter for her 11th birthday in January 2014.