Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Top 10 Things NOT to say to Parents

I think we have all been guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes our mouths get ahead of our brains. 

But some things...SOME THINGS are just so horrible that you probably shouldn't even think them, let alone let them slip out of your pie hole.

In that spirit, I put together a list of some of the things that I think should NEVER be said to parents. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. I bet you can relate...

10. Yoga pants AGAIN, huh?! Did your washing machine break down? Or are you just slacking on your "wifely" duties??
You caught me! I have only done 50 loads THIS week...but I should just kill myself to stay caught up. And while I am at it, I should probably also squeeze myself into some "skinny" jeans and pretend I am 20 and without kids too.

9. You look like you put on a little weight! Are you expecting?
My favorite! No, I am just fat. Ya know F-A-T, the way you look after having 4 kids and not going to the gym like a crazy maniac and hiding in the closet with chocolate every time the kids are driving you batty.

Just so you know, the look on people's faces after stating you are in fact NOT pregnant is ALMOST worth the insult that you are.

8. Ooooh, you sure have your hands full! I hope you are about finished having babies...
Actually, we have decided to have 5 more! Would you like to be added to my babysitting list?

7. If I were you.....ANYTHING!

Self explanatory. You aren't me.

6. Ummm, excuse me! If you would just go ahead and GIVE IN to your child's shopping checkout lane temper tantrum we would ALL appreciate it!
I would LOVE to! I also would love to send them on home with YOU for the afternoon! 

No?! Then maybe you should just turn back around. Stat.

5. I don't have kids, but ______ (insert ANY advice here)
If you don't have kids, you should STAY out of it. Please and thank-you. (Just trying to keep it civil here.)

4. If you spank your child (or discipline them in any way) I will call the police on you.
Yes! Please do. Maybe they would babysit these naughty kiddos for a couple hours so I can catch a break.

3. Oh, I could NEVER breastfeed! It's so gross! (Especially AS a mother is breastfeeding)

Well, it's a good thing I am NOT you then. And if you don't like it, why the heck are you staring so intently? Mind your manners (and eyeballs) and your own business while you are at it.

2. Looks like you are getting a little frustrated there...Maybe you should just calm down....

CALM DOWN??! Sure. I will get right on that. After I stab you with this spork in my hand.

1. You look tired! You probably could use a little break, huh?! You should go on a vacation.

Let me get RIGHT on that! Shut yer trap. UNLESS you are offering to babysit AND pay for aforementioned vacation....then I love you. No seriously. Will you pay?! Help a girl out! Don't make me resort to begging.

What would YOU add to the list?

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  1. Oh this made me laugh... do you even realize how many of these things have actually been said to me? ESPECIALLY no.s 5 and 7.

    1. ME TOO! Thanks so much for your feedback! And for giving me a swift kick in the backside to get back to blogging! <3

  2. Oh and so by the way, I love your blog. I would spend more time here if I were you... the colors make me happy and you're a VERY talented writer and funny as shit.

    1. Awww, thanks SO MUCH! That totally just made my day! I usually only get a few minutes here and there to write, so I just do little shorts on my facebook page. It is easier that way! Plus I can schedule them when the kiddos are in bed! But I need to spend more time writing. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it! Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments!!

  3. Number 9. Was said to me 2 times in one week way to make a girl feel fat

    1. Ugh. People are seriously suffering from Foot in Mouth disease more and more these days! I NEVER mention pregnancy unless I am 100% sure....I remember someone saying it to me about a year AFTER I had my last baby. Then when I said "NO!" They tried to doctor it up to they didn't realize I had already had the baby. Sooooo, we have 21 month incubation periods now?? Ok. Just keep walking. You are digging a hole you will NEVER escape from, man!

  4. What in the WORLD? I don't have kids but I would throat punch anyone who said these things to me, in any context!! I will say ONE tiny rebuttal- I couldn't care less if you breastfeed- but sometimes I have seen people doing it in VERY inappropriate places and even though it's natural, so is crapping but you don't see me taking a shit on the sidewalk....so whilst people could be a little more accepting and polite about breastfeeding, so could those doing it be a little more aware of their surroundings... (I am now ducking waiting for all the moms on the page to throw rotten fruit at me and boo me off stage...)

    1. I will hold my fruit. I agree. I was an avid breastfeeder (and still a big advocate of normalizing it!) BUT some people take it a little TOO FAR! I nursed in public DISCREETLY. Some are blatantly flaunting it to prove a point (or because they just don't care) and that doesn't help the cause. At all. (And here comes the fruit at ME now....)

  5. Nice post. I'm working on something similar to this one with a few common things. If you swat your kid on the butt in public, some people go apeshit. I don't go Adrian Peterson on my children; I literally just give them a pat on the butt to get them in line. Settle down, people, lol.

  6. Bahaha!

    Don't judge my yoga pants or talk to me! Just shhh!! ;-)

    1. Ummmm. YEA! No judgments here! I wear the same yoga pants a weekend at a time! lol

  7. As I sit here in my yoga pants, I'm recalling all the times I've damn near stabbed my own HUSBAND for saying some of this shite to me. Especially the part about calming down.

    You know what makes me crazy? When you tell me to be fecking calm.
    Plucks my last damn nerve.

    So, yeah, well done DQM! I can totally relate ;)

    1. Yea. My husband has said a few of these things too! Men. They are always a glutton for punishment. LOL