Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Don't Shove Your Dirty Socks Under Your Bed...and other parting words of wisdom

Dear Son,

I am so happy for you (and me) that you are (finally!) leaving the nest. It has been a long time coming, but I think I have prepared you well (enough to survive). I will miss you (but not so much that you should visit daily) and think of you often, but I have faith in your ability to make competent, good decisions (or at least ones that won’t kill you). I know you're not one for mushy gushy, so I leave you with this parting advice:

 DON’T SHOVE YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UNDER YOUR BED. I know that your nose is immune to it, but the rest of the world does NOT have that same luxury. And once you are on your own, the laundry fairy will no longer magically appear and wash those balled up, stiff from dried sweat, nose hair killers. You will be On. Your. Own.

 Speaking of dirty socks, DO YOUR LAUNDRY regularly. Don’t let that mound pile up to the ceiling before you notice it! You will have no one to blame but yourself when you open your dresser drawer and find you are fresh out of fresh drawers. And while you may be tempted to just grab up yesterday’s pair and turn them inside out and call it good, I would STRONGLY suggest you refrain! While convenient, the odds of streakage is way too high and is that really a chance you want to take? Besides, you never know when someone other than you (or your mother) might see them bad boys.
 Better safe than sorry, I've always said.

 DON’T BRING STRANGE WOMAN HOME WITH YOU however tempting it may be. I can see you rolling your eyes right now, but at least hear me out! Woman are strange creatures who think way different than you do and while you may see a one night stand as a great release, she may see it as an invitation to be your one and only. So why offer her the opportunity to know where you live?! I mean, if you enjoy middle of the night stalker drive-by’s and a crazy band of her girlfriends anxious for revenge showing up on your door step, then Be. My. Guest.  Invite that crazy broad home. You’ll see.

This might be one you have to learn the hard way.

You always were a hard learner.

 STOCK UP ON TOILET PAPER. Don’t buy it one roll at a time and take the chance. Go to Costco and buy the jumbo pack. And don’t store that stuff in the bathroom so that your roommates can go hog wild with it, or be tempted to recreate Greek Week togas during your Friday night party. Store that stuff in your closet! Believe me, The last place you want to find yourself is on the toilet with nothing to wipe your backside with. And please don’t substitute toilet paper with a dirty sock. (I know you have thought about it.) That’s just gross.

Be responsible. GO TO WORK. Even when you don’t really feel like it. You will thank me for this little gem when your wallet is full enough for some weekend fun. The First National Bank of Mom is officially closing it’s door today, my son. Sorry for this late notice. I hope you understand. Mom is going to use that extra money to take the vacation that she has been putting off for 18 years. I’ll send you some pictures!

And don't let your friends, roommates, or current girl-fling convince you to fill their wallets too. They have arms. They have legs. They can get off their behinds and make their OWN money.

And if your roommate is a quadriplegic, I apologize for the stuff I said before, but they can still figure something else out.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I know after 8 years of hearing me nag about this topic, you should just automatically know it, but I have a hard-core suspicion that you don’t. If you thought getting through high school was tough, college is even more intense. So unless you want to spend the rest of your life flipping burgers (which is great as long as you remember that the First National Bank of Mom is now closed. See above notification.), you better do well enough to walk down that aisle and grab up that degree!

Speaking of school, DON’T SKIP CLASS. I know how tempting it is to blow off class to (insert: get drunk, get high, get a girl, get lunch) but that won’t get you down that aisle with a degree in your hand. And that is your main goal right now….right?! You need to work hard now and play later. Or at least save the “playing” for when you are not working or going to class. You can have the best of both worlds if you just use your head. You know…that beautiful thing on top of your shoulders! Not your other one. That one is just asking for trouble.

HAVE FUN. Life is short. And while school and work are very important (and should be your #1 priority), fun needs its place in your life too! Make friends. Explore new places and things. Make memories that you can hold onto for the rest of your life.

Trust me…you will need those memories to hold onto when you are old and married and have kids of your own!

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A JAM, CALL MOM. Don’t show up (unless it’s really bad), but a quick call home and some (expertly given) advice can set you right back on track and on your way. Besides, you know how much your mother loves giving advice! 

You have been ignoring it your whole life. 

Speaking of phone calls…ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN MOM CALLS. Every time. I promise not to bombard you five times a day, but I do worry about you and want to know you are okay! So when I call, you better answer. Unless you are work. Or class. Don’t make me hunt you down. That would be embarrassing!

If you thought the crazy one-night stand stalker was bad, just try and blow off your mother.

I know you are giving me the “yeah right mom” look right now, and that’s okay… as long as you take this advice to heart. You never know when these tidbits of wisdom will be useful! Best wishes son. I know you've got this! I have faith in you (and have changed the locks and booked my flight to Hawaii)

Momma loves you!

And her new crafting room. 


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  1. That was fantabulously awesome-sauce! Idk why it wasn't chosen, but if it were up to me, it would've been! I was laughing as i was nodding in agreement like a creepy talking bobble-head toy. I am saving this to give to my boys when they graduate because it's just perfect! Good job!

  2. Dammit, I left a comment--where'd it go?!

    Anyhoo, I loved the crafting room. I think I'm turning my kid's room into a wine cellar. Wine room? Whatever :) I also took notes on the important tidbits, most notably: the toilet paper, no strange women, and CALL YOUR MOTHER. Yes.

  3. Lol, great advice, Momma! I can't imagine having a teenage son - eeeeeek! I'm afraid. Thankfully I have sages like you who have blazed the trail before me. Loved this.

  4. This is the greatest advice ever! Loved it!

  5. Lol! You tell him mama! But all jokes aside you gave him good advice. Something he should always implement now that he will be on his own. I hope he makes it out there. It's a cold, cold world. He'll always have his mommy though.