Friday, December 26, 2014

Reasonable Resolutions

A new year. A chance for new beginnings.

Ah, who am I kidding? Every year we make a list of resolutions that does nothing but gather dust. Diets get started only to end in a late night binge because you are chocolate deprived and you don't want to share with the kids. Gym memberships are purchased only to become a place to use the bathroom at 2 am after a night out with friends. (Not that I know that from experience or anything!)

This year, I am making resolutions that I can actually stick to. Resolutions like...

I am going to accept the fact that my girls' room is just going to be a mess. No matter how many times I send them to clean it. No matter how many times I clean it myself. It. doesn't. matter. It will ALWAYS look like this ---->
In 2015, I vow to just shut the door.

Now that is a reasonable resolution. (Until I go insane and ransack it with a jumbo size trash bag!)

I asked some of my favorite bloggers and Facebook funny guys to tell me their resolutions. They came up with a list that is truly do-able.

At least in my opinion!

I will take 5 minutes every morning before I get up to stretch, take a few deep breaths, and be mindful. Just kidding. I am going to go back to sleep and pretend I don't hear my alarm until my husband yells at me.
-Meg from Megsanity. Women, psychology and expletives
Find her blog at
I tend to sing a lot with my kids, changing the lyrics of the songs to get them to follow directions. This year I resolve to no longer use the "Hokey Pokey" tune as a clean up song.
-Serendipity from Mother of Serendipity
Find her blog at

I strive to be the winner of the MEANEST Mom of 2015 Award by making my teen vacuum the house every time she gets lippy with me, thus securing my nomination.
-LauraLynn from Steel Workers Wife
Find her blog at
I vow to not eat any more Doritos. No matter if they are being served at a Super Bowl party. No matter if I am sticking my hand into a bag at 7 am to portion them out in a baggie for my son's lunch. No matter if I am PMSing. No matter if I have a crap day with the kids and I DESERVE THEM DAMN DORITOS! (Oh hell. Who am I kidding? Hand me the Doritos.)
-Ashley from Big Top Family
Find her blog at
I'm going to exercise more, because it clears my head and makes me a better mom. Hahaha not really. I exercise because it gives me an excuse to get the heck out of the house and have some damn time to myself, and perhaps, more importantly, makes caloric room for cookies.
-Kristen from Abandoning Pretense
Find her blog at
I resolve to get all the toys out of my bed!...By this, of course, I mean all the random toys my kids bring with them when they crawl into my bed in the middle of the night. My bed used to be the place where all the magic happened. The only magic happening there these days is the kind that makes me feel like I closed my eyes 2 seconds before the alarm goes off. 
Can I change my resolution? Maybe I need to resolve to find time for some of that "good" magic...
-Aeron from Inappropriate Bursts of Laughter
Find her blog at

I am going to learn to accept the fact that my son will always be up at an ungodly hour when I hope to sleep in. And I will just get up and make breakfast instead of trying to convince him to go back to bed for 30 minutes before I get up. And I will accept the fact that once breakfast is made, and I'm wide awake, he will go back to sleep without eating.
-Tonie from Thoughts of a Future Alcoholic
I resolve to have no guilt about skipping over the longest pages when reading to my kids if I compensate by making special voices for characters like the puffer fish.
-Samantha from Dr. Psych Mom
Find her blog at
I will buy Lysol and carpet cleaner and never blame the toddler for the puppy's accident (again). Also, I resolve to never assume the weight for pull-ups sizes is accurate. Just because it says a certain number of pounds, does not mean that is the amount of weight it holds2015 will not be another Poomageddon.
-Chrisi from Moe and Co
Find her blog at
I resolve to spend more time hiding in the bathroom with a secret stash of chocolate and wine.

I am going to create meals that resemble adult fare versus a fridge purge. I will not make 3 meals a night to be served in different rooms to satisfy all the peccadilloes of our taste buds. In 2015, we will eat like a human family even if I have to zap strap us all to the kitchen chairs.
-Brooke from
Find her blog at
I will not fake interest in a gym membership, pretend I won't eat that burger, and I certainly won't post a "New Year, New Me" status. No. None of the cliches. If I'm gonna pledge to do something for the new year, I guess it is time to pull out the ole hairbrush (the one I keep hidden in the shower) and turn Punk Rock Papa into Punk Rock Rappa.
-Briton from Punk Rock Papa: Adventures in Fatherhood
Find his blog at
I am going to stop stressing over my son's non-stop eating and raiding the fridge. I will just stop buying him bigger pants.
-Rebecca from the brand spankin' new blog OrthodoxSunflower

My resolution is to stop freaking out about my boys getting holes in the knees of every. single. pair. of jeans they own. Instead, I will start cutting the pants at the kneehole and turn them into jorts (jean shorts for men). He will be humiliated because people will think he's a University of Florida fan, and that's an insult in my neck of the woods. 

Also, I resolve to drink more Scotch....Because, Scotch.
-Jessica from Herd Management
Find her blog at

I will eat at least one meal a day that does not contain goldfish, chicken nuggets, or peanut butter. I will have at least one grown-up meal a day.
-Michelle from Juicebox Confession
Find her blog at
I am going to paint more, bitch less, and try to convince my husband that getting a tattoo is a normal thing to want and I am not going to end up going all "breaking bad" on him if I get one.
-Amber from Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine
Find her blog at
I resolve to spend more mornings snuggling in bed instead of running around my house trying to make everything look perfect. Everything already is perfect.
-Jen from Motherhood is not for the weak or the sober.
Find her blog at

What is your resolution this new year?
We want to hear all about it!

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Monday, December 15, 2014

Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

A snowman. So cute. So fun. (As long as I am watching the kids from the window and not expected to participate out in the cold snow!) This month, I discovered a much warmer way to enjoy a cute little snowman. 

Occasionally, this momma likes to get a little crafty. And once in a blue moon, I even involve the kiddos. (Not too often, though, I DON'T have a death wish, for me OR them!) But this idea had "kids" written all over it. So I gathered up the supplies (and the girlies) and got to crafting. The end results were so adorably cute that I just had to share! 

Now you can make your own little snowmen, in the comfort of your pj's while enjoying a mug of hot cocoa. And when you are done, you can cuddle up under a blanket on the couch and watch The Legend of Frosty the Snowman on Netflix just like we did!

Supplies you will need:

*White tube-style kids socks (That pile that is waiting to find their long-lost match works great!)


*Hot glue gun and scissors

*Tiny hair rubberbands

*Scraps of material, buttons, and other embellishments

Step 1: 
Cut the sock about a 1/2 inch below the ribbed part and above the heel. The top half of the sock will become your snowman. Fold over and glue at the bottom to make a little sack. This step is definitely done best by a grown up. I did this part before inviting the kiddos to join in.

Step 2:
Fill the sack with rice. This may take two people, especially if little ones are helping! And you can expect a mess too. (But that is just common sense when crafting with the kiddos!) Make sure to stretch the sock out to get it nice and full and to leave about a 1/2 inch space at the top for closing. Use a little hair rubberband to seal off the top.

Step 3:
Cut a strip of scrap material. This will be the scarf. It will also help separate your snowman into two parts. Tie the strip around the "neck" of your snowman (tight, but not too tight!) Use hot glue to hold the ends of the scarf in place. Next, make a hat out of the toe of the sock. Roll up the end of the sock and then glue the hat to the top of the snowman's head. You can turn the sock inside out to get a different look. And if you want to get really fancy (and have lots of mismatched kids socks laying around), you can even use patterned socks for the hat!

Step 4:
Decorate your little snowman. Use buttons, scraps of material, and any other embellishments you can find laying around the house. I made a little bow for the hat by cutting strips into a small piece of scrap material and attaching a cute button to the top. Use a sharpie marker to draw on "coal eyes" and a smile.

The possibilities are endless!

Happy crafting!

Don't forget to check out Netflix for The Legend of Frosty the Snowman and other Holiday classics!

I receive complimentary service in return for my endorsement, but all opinions and referrals are 100% my own opinion.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Tips for Surviving the Holidays

Ah. The Holidays. Between the tree, the lights, the excessive family gatherings, the kids being home for two weeks straight, and the thoughts of trying to recreate Pinterest perfection in the kitchen, it's no wonder people go nutso over the Holidays!

Tis the season to lose one's mind, am I right?

While struggling to find my own holiday spirit, I started thinking about what funny advice I could give to make the season a little more bright and a lot less insane. That's when it hit me, we all have learned the hard way once or twice! So, I gathered up some of my favorite bloggers and funny Facebookers and asked them to give their best tip for surviving this chaos. Here's what they gave me...

Don't tell the kids anything in advance!

"This time of year brings out my sentimental side, and I try like crazy to make ev.e.ry.thing special. The fam and I do something fun each day leading up to Christmas. One year that meant visiting a railroad museum complete with life-size engines and holiday decor. And hot chocolate. I made the mistake of telling the kids we were going- five days before we actually went. By the fourth day and the 12,349th "IS IT TIME TO GO YET?!" I vowed to never, ever, EVAH announce the imminent arrival of anything exciting more than five minutes in advance. Those little humans almost broke me that year, but I added some Kahlua to my hot chocolate and mama found her happy place again."
-Stephanie from When Crazy Meets Exhaustion 
Find her blog at

Eat this Pinterest! Tips for Christmas baking.

"Every mom dreams about a tray of gorgeously decorated cookies, gourmet fudge, and perfect little Christmas candies. You set out all the ingredients, call in the kids and... four hours later, you have a kitchen covered in flour, a couple trays of half burnt cookies, that ICING on the ceiling? The fudge looks like dog droppings, the candies are melted globs, and the cookies the kids decorated don't make sense at all!  A blue hat on Santa? A yellow Christmas tree? Who put the green booger coming out of Santa's nose? And what the hell is that cookie shape right there....holy crap! That reindeer head is definitely upside-down male genitalia. Naughty cookie cutter! This year survive holiday baking with your kids by lowering your expectations. As long as you end up with edible food at the end of it, call it a win, no matter what it looks like. You can throw the burnt ones outside and tell your kids you are trying to feed Santa's reindeer. That always works." 
-Morgan from The Inklings of Life Find her blog at

Would you like that gift wrapped? A story of what not to do.

"Though I love the holidays, wrapping presents is the bane of my existence. Not only do I absolutely loathe it, I completely suck at it. Anyone who gets a present wrapped by me knows it because it looks like a one-armed blind man wrapped it. I try. I really do. But the harder I try, the more I rip the paper. Then I become furious and there's extra tape everywhere and one side of the gift has 27 extra inches of paper on it while the other has a blank spot where the present is showing through because I hacked off too much of the extra paper. Then I have to tape on a small square of paper to hide the blank spot. Every Christmas, wrapping comes with excessive whining and wine. One year, I ran out of paper at 3 am with about 4 presents (each kid) left to wrap! I dug around under my bed to find anything leftover that I could use. All I found was this amazing birthday paper. Then Eureka! I had the perfect idea! All I had to do was write "Jesus" under the Happy Birthday and BOOM! Problem solved. Then, I ran out of scotch tape. After searching the entire house, all I could find was some blue painter's tape. I finally finished up around 5 am and the kids were up at 6 rustling through stockings and presents. Then I heard my oldest son say, "Whoa! It looks like Santa may have had a little too much wine last night!" as he held up one of my creatively wrapped presents. My look shut him up pretty fast.

So, my tip about wrapping presents: Don't wrap presents. Buy gift bags instead. Or better yet, the next time someone gives one to you, save it and re-use it. It will save you a lot of sanity. And painter's tape. That stuff is expensive." 
-Jenna from Momster's Diaries

Is Santa Real? A lesson in question dodging.

"When a child asks if Santa is real, answer the question with a question. What do YOU think, sweetie? Then change the subject by offering to cook bacon. (This works exceptionally well at my house!) And maybe throw in some shiny object distractions for good measure. If all else fails, dance backwards out of the room, using every move you ever knew simultaneously, including jazz hands. Oh, one more little thing...if you want to perpetuate the myth a little longer, don't forget to buy extra special 'Santa' wrapping paper. Trust me on this one. I know from experience. In closing, disregard all I said before because Santa is real."
-Debra from The Debra Show

Speaking of dodging... Nothing beats a good holiday run.

"How to survive the Holidays. My tip? Run. No, no, not like exercise. What I meant to say is run away. I'm totally serious folks! Every year this SAHM packs up the overnight bags and signs out on a 36 hour pass to attend my BFF's Crazy Crafting Party. I drive 6 hours (each way) to hang out with her for the ONE day when we are both kid-free. Sounds crazy? How does this sound: 6 hours where I get to eat junk food off the passenger seat, sing loudly to MY playlist and stop only when I need to gas up or hit the loo. Priceless. Here's my point: all the holiday shite is stressful and you need a fecking break! Do something that is a bit childish, a bit ridonkulous even, and just for you. Tis the season, right?!"
-Serendipity from Mother of Serendipity 
Find her blog at

Traveling + Kids = Torture. A Christmas math lesson.

"We spend about 20 hours in the air every holiday season and I'm always looking for some ways to fill the time. A friend once suggested wrapping up a bunch of small gifts and giving one to the kids every hour throughout the flight. At the time I thought that sounded like a lot of money and work. Then I thought about how much my sanity was worth...Turns out 20 small presents is a bargain." 

-Lynn from The Nomad Mom Diary Find her blog at www.nomadmomdiary

Putting up the lights. A trip to Hell and back.

"There's nothing worse than spending four hours untangling and putting on the Christmas tree lights only to find THEY DON'T FREAKIN' WORK! So, here are my tips to make this miserable part of the tree decorating a little less miserable. 1) Check  the lights first! Plug 'em in and make sure they work before you put them on the tree. 2) When you pack them up, roll them onto a piece of cardboard instead of bunching them up and tossing them into the bin. You'll be happy you did this next year when you have to string 'em up again. 3) Start with the female side (that would be the non-pronged side) at the top of the tree and connect the strands as you work your way down, that way you end up with the male end at the bottom that you can plug in. Sounds simple, right? I can't even tell you how many times I've ended with the female at the bottom and had to start all over. ARGH! And there you have it. My tried and true wisdom to spare you the hell of Christmas tree lighting."
-Deva from MyLifeSuckers Find her blog at

Surviving Grandparents, the holiday "spoilers"

"With regards to grandparents: the best defense is a good I just don't give a shit attitude. You know they are going to give your kids a bunch of sugar, spoil them rotten, get them all wound up and then leave. It's going to annoy you but, trust me friends, this is a battle you cannot win. Surrender. Surrender before they even arrive. Embrace the chaos and save your energy for undoing the damage once they're gone. Whatever they do over the course of a weekend can be undone in the same amount of time with discipline, perseverance, and M & Ms."
-Mackenzie from Mommy Needs A Swear Jar 
Find her blog at

Finding your peace in a room full of relatives. Or maybe your piece.

"You know what I'm talking about: the backhanded compliments, the inappropriate observations, the blatantly rude remarks, and the unsolicited advice. (That last one makes me absolutely CRAZY!)
Whether these come from your mother, your in-laws, and/or any other relative, I have a great solution. Every time it happens, indulge in your happy potion. That is stock up on something that makes you blissful- Christmas cookies, wine, salted-chocolate caramels, vodka straight from the bottle- whatever sends you to a happy place. Then, anytime anyone says something that sets off your nerves, indulge in a bite or a sip of your merriment. It will immediately provide you with pleasure. And it will keep your mouth busy so you don't say anything you'll regret later."
-Kathryn from Foxy Wine Pocket Find her blog at

Speaking of families...

"Families. Getting together may be the hardest part of every holiday season. If you are one of those people who dread the holidays because your family is the definition of dysfunctional, why not skip the disappointment and embrace the insanity? Accept your family for the crazies they are! Love them, they are, after all, your roots. You will look back in years to come and know there was fun in the dysfunction. Besides, drunken fighting matches make for great future story fodder! Families are all nuts. All of them. Not just yours! Deal with it." 
-Gretchen from How My Brain Works 
Find her blog at

Christmas Morning. 

The morning that just keeps giving. Too bad it wouldn't give you your sleep back. Am I right?! Why is it that kids get up at the butt crack of dawn (or before)? Don't they realize you were up until 3 am wrapping presents and putting together "Santa" presents? My kids like to be up before 5 am. I don't know about you, but THIS momma needs a little bit more beauty sleep than that. Two hours is enough to put me in the stages of Medusa meets Roseanne. Scared? You should be. But I have a little trick up my sleeve to combat the early morning wake up call! Every year, we fill the kids stockings with a mixture of little toys and candy. Lots of candy. Then we tell the kids that they can open their stockings BEFORE waking us up. In fact, DON'T wake us up until the sun is in the sky. Until then, feel free to breakfast on candy canes and chocolates, tornado the living room with the contents of your stockings, and watch TV until your little hearts are content. The first kid to wake us up is the last kid to open a gift. For some reason, this has worked, year after year. And year after year, as the kids bounce off the couch like a trampoline and refuse to even look at my slaved over Christmas morning breakfast, I question my own judgement.

So why do we do endure this craziness year after year?

I think about my daughter's look of glee as she saw what Santa left her....and that is enough. By far.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Don't Shove Your Dirty Socks Under Your Bed...and other parting words of wisdom

Dear Son,

I am so happy for you (and me) that you are (finally!) leaving the nest. It has been a long time coming, but I think I have prepared you well (enough to survive). I will miss you (but not so much that you should visit daily) and think of you often, but I have faith in your ability to make competent, good decisions (or at least ones that won’t kill you). I know you're not one for mushy gushy, so I leave you with this parting advice:

 DON’T SHOVE YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UNDER YOUR BED. I know that your nose is immune to it, but the rest of the world does NOT have that same luxury. And once you are on your own, the laundry fairy will no longer magically appear and wash those balled up, stiff from dried sweat, nose hair killers. You will be On. Your. Own.

 Speaking of dirty socks, DO YOUR LAUNDRY regularly. Don’t let that mound pile up to the ceiling before you notice it! You will have no one to blame but yourself when you open your dresser drawer and find you are fresh out of fresh drawers. And while you may be tempted to just grab up yesterday’s pair and turn them inside out and call it good, I would STRONGLY suggest you refrain! While convenient, the odds of streakage is way too high and is that really a chance you want to take? Besides, you never know when someone other than you (or your mother) might see them bad boys.
 Better safe than sorry, I've always said.

 DON’T BRING STRANGE WOMAN HOME WITH YOU however tempting it may be. I can see you rolling your eyes right now, but at least hear me out! Woman are strange creatures who think way different than you do and while you may see a one night stand as a great release, she may see it as an invitation to be your one and only. So why offer her the opportunity to know where you live?! I mean, if you enjoy middle of the night stalker drive-by’s and a crazy band of her girlfriends anxious for revenge showing up on your door step, then Be. My. Guest.  Invite that crazy broad home. You’ll see.

This might be one you have to learn the hard way.

You always were a hard learner.

 STOCK UP ON TOILET PAPER. Don’t buy it one roll at a time and take the chance. Go to Costco and buy the jumbo pack. And don’t store that stuff in the bathroom so that your roommates can go hog wild with it, or be tempted to recreate Greek Week togas during your Friday night party. Store that stuff in your closet! Believe me, The last place you want to find yourself is on the toilet with nothing to wipe your backside with. And please don’t substitute toilet paper with a dirty sock. (I know you have thought about it.) That’s just gross.

Be responsible. GO TO WORK. Even when you don’t really feel like it. You will thank me for this little gem when your wallet is full enough for some weekend fun. The First National Bank of Mom is officially closing it’s door today, my son. Sorry for this late notice. I hope you understand. Mom is going to use that extra money to take the vacation that she has been putting off for 18 years. I’ll send you some pictures!

And don't let your friends, roommates, or current girl-fling convince you to fill their wallets too. They have arms. They have legs. They can get off their behinds and make their OWN money.

And if your roommate is a quadriplegic, I apologize for the stuff I said before, but they can still figure something else out.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I know after 8 years of hearing me nag about this topic, you should just automatically know it, but I have a hard-core suspicion that you don’t. If you thought getting through high school was tough, college is even more intense. So unless you want to spend the rest of your life flipping burgers (which is great as long as you remember that the First National Bank of Mom is now closed. See above notification.), you better do well enough to walk down that aisle and grab up that degree!

Speaking of school, DON’T SKIP CLASS. I know how tempting it is to blow off class to (insert: get drunk, get high, get a girl, get lunch) but that won’t get you down that aisle with a degree in your hand. And that is your main goal right now….right?! You need to work hard now and play later. Or at least save the “playing” for when you are not working or going to class. You can have the best of both worlds if you just use your head. You know…that beautiful thing on top of your shoulders! Not your other one. That one is just asking for trouble.

HAVE FUN. Life is short. And while school and work are very important (and should be your #1 priority), fun needs its place in your life too! Make friends. Explore new places and things. Make memories that you can hold onto for the rest of your life.

Trust me…you will need those memories to hold onto when you are old and married and have kids of your own!

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A JAM, CALL MOM. Don’t show up (unless it’s really bad), but a quick call home and some (expertly given) advice can set you right back on track and on your way. Besides, you know how much your mother loves giving advice! 

You have been ignoring it your whole life. 

Speaking of phone calls…ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN MOM CALLS. Every time. I promise not to bombard you five times a day, but I do worry about you and want to know you are okay! So when I call, you better answer. Unless you are work. Or class. Don’t make me hunt you down. That would be embarrassing!

If you thought the crazy one-night stand stalker was bad, just try and blow off your mother.

I know you are giving me the “yeah right mom” look right now, and that’s okay… as long as you take this advice to heart. You never know when these tidbits of wisdom will be useful! Best wishes son. I know you've got this! I have faith in you (and have changed the locks and booked my flight to Hawaii)

Momma loves you!

And her new crafting room. 


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