Friday, March 6, 2015

Kids say the darndest things.

This morning, as I was taking my morning constitutional, my 5 year old daughter, Brennan, came in to chat. Lucky me, right?! But, if you are a mother, you know that you can't even poop in peace! So not really THAT surprising.

Today was no different than normal, talking about important topics such as hair piece placement and jewelry box contents, until I finished and went to flush. Then it got weird.

"Where does our poopy go when we flush?"

Innocent enough question, right? So I answered, "It goes down to the sewer."

"You mean where the *whispers* devil lives?"

Cue jaw drop.

"Um, no. Where the poop goes."

"The devil lives in poop?"

Some days it is just too much to explain. But it did get me to thinkin' have some pretty hilarious misconceptions sometimes. So I gathered up my favorite bloggers from all corners of the blogosphere and asked them to share some of their best mind-blowing kidisms.

I'm not a HUGE believer in teaching my kids to correctly label all the private parts by their anatomical name. (I mean, even as an adult, I don't do that for MY OWN body parts.) But recently I've been thinking that my 5yo twin sons might get in trouble at school if they called their junk what they currently do: wieners and nuts. (Thanks to their dad for these lovely terms!) So I've been trying to use the word "penis" more and more, because if they talked about their penis in kindergarten, it would probably be less offensive than waving the word wiener around, amiright? But this morning, as I was yelling at the twins to get dressed for the 99th time, Drew started yelping in pain. He'd forgotten to put underpants on under his jeans, and I quote, had ZIPPED UP HIS WEENISS.
Don't be alarmed, everyone. His weeniss is just fine.
Destruction: (noun) the action or process of causing so much damage to something that it no longer exists or cannot be repaired. Also, what my four year old calls the instruction booklet that comes with all of his toys and games. “Hey mom, let’s look at the destructions and find out what this toy does”. To be completely honest his use of the word is pretty appropriate if you’ve ever put together a shelf from Ikea or tried to assemble a baby swing. I don’t think I’ll ever correct him.

We just found our 6-year-old sitting on the bathroom counter, looking at his nose in the mirror.
Parent: What are you doing?
Child: I’m Googling my nose.
Parent: … Do you know what “Googling” means?
Child: Yeah! It means “to look up.”
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Misconceptions abound at our house, particularly when dealing with the intelligence of pets (and creatures in general). Recently, I caught my children staring at an ant hill, yelling, ”Yo, ants! Look over there!” They were using orange juice to “prank” the ants into walking away from their hill so they could dig around in it. On a related note, ants are also not excited about listening to stories. In case you wondered.

Driving through our town I heard my four-year-old in the back seat gasp and say, "Momma! Dada! Look!!! I found a cloud factory! Is that where clouds come from?" I looked to where she was pointing and saw white puffy smoke billowing out of a brick smoke stack. It looked exactly like a cloud factory to me. 

Me: Did you know your 8th great grandfather fought in the Revolutionary War?
9yo: Wow, really? How long ago was that? Were you alive?
9yo: Was the world black and white when you were a kid?

I drove past a church a couple days ago with my 3 year old daughter. When she asked what it was, I explained it was a church and referred to it as "God's house." Now every time we drive past she talks about how beautiful God's house is. She wonders if God watches PBS Kids, plays with toys and has snack or nap time. She most recently asked me if she could go to God's house to watch Frozen with Him and share her grapes and chocolate milk.
God grant me the strength to deal with this every time we pass your house.
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When my then 2YO son was playing with kitchen utensils he started babbling on and on about the rubber spatula. He usually played with his dad's tools and was forever trying on his dad's shoes, stuff. Later that night after dinner he asked his dad to pass him the "Mommy Hammer".
Sometimes baths are tough...
Smash: Haydan, it's SOAP!!! You have to put soap on your body when you bathe.
7yo: You said it has GHOSTS IN IT.
Smash: No, I sait it's GOATS milk soap!
7yo: So, no ghost?
Smash: No ghosts.
7yo So, just crushed up goats?
Smash: Uhm, almost there. Goats MILK soap.
Child, please just take an effin' bath.
My big girl exited the school beaming with joy. “Mommy, I made a new friend!” 
“So what does she look like?” I probed.
“Well…she’s a girl. And she has a very pretty smile. Oh, and she has dirty blonde hair. Like blonde and brown mixed together. You know…like someone threw dirt on it?!”
Our conversation continued and I tried to clear up the confusion. I explained that the “dirty” in dirty-blonde wasn’t because of dirt (for most people). However, all of my efforts were made through my own laughter. I’m still not sure if she really understands what having dirty-blonde hair means. I guess this friend will remain the dirty-blonde, with dirt in her hair, until our next go-round.
The other day my daughter says to me: “Mommy, you know the yucky word that starts with “s” and ends with “x”?” I responded: “Yes, why?”
After she and my son got their giggles under control, she replied: “Autumn told me that Sharon and another boy were doing it and Autumn’s mother got them in trouble.”
I asked: “What grade is Sharon in?!” My daughter replied: “3rd grade, I think.”
“What do you think that word means?” I asked them.
My son said: “It means smoochy kissing. And sometimes you have a baby.”
So there you have it. Sex is smoochy kissing that sometimes results in a baby. Moral of the story: Be careful who you smoochy kiss.
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When my oldest son was about a month into potty training we bravely (or stupidly, depending on how you look at it) decided to go on vacation. I’d anticipated some resistance to his new potty routine, but was not prepared for his outright refusal to utilize public restrooms. I could tell from the way my three-year-old was standing, and the smell that was wafting from his general direction, that he needed to poop. He was not a hold-it-in kid and I knew he must be uncomfortable, but no matter how hard I tried I could not convince him to do his business in the airport bathroom. Finally, I resorted to a little embellishment of the truth to help ease his retention: I explained that the toilets on airplanes were special and if he did a poop on the plane, when he flushed, a hole would open up in the bottom of the plane and his poop would be sucked out, then fall for thousands of feet, and probably wind up landing on someone’s head. He thought this was the funniest thing he ever heard, and was definitely not going to miss the opportunity to take a dump on some unsuspecting stranger’s head.  
Now, almost two years later, he still mentions flying turds any time he sees an airplane over head. So far he’s managed to stay clean.

Have your kids ever misunderstood something in a hilarious manner?
Share it with us!
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